All my reality-television writing has appeared at The Trades. Even though I have written about television as a hobby, I always take my writing seriously, and I have managed to get my writing online as soon as possible because, when writing for the web, timing is everything. I know that television writing is popular, but I was amazed at how many people read my work on the site. After the Flavor of Love finale, over 16,000 people read my piece on the show. Several of my recaps have been read by over 5,000 people, and my work has been recommended and linked to across the web, including at VH1.com. The following samples include some of my more popular pieces. Each title will provide a link to the original article.
Flavor of Love 1, Finale
The Flavor of Love finale promised to be explosive, especially since the previous elimination round concluded with a catfight for the ages, in which the rejected Pumkin spat on finalist New York.
What woman wouldn't fight over Public Enemy rapper Flavor Flav? And what parent wouldn't be proud to have Flavor Flav as a son-in-law? Let's list Flavor Flav's accomplishments:
1. Punching his girlfriend in the face (1991)
2. Installing flashing lights around his license plate - almost daring the police to pick him up for outstanding warrants (1992)
3. Firing his gun at a neighbor (1993)
4. Drying out in rehab (1993)
5. Assaulting a woman who took a photo of one of his many children (1994)
6. Toting around vials of crack cocaine (1995)
7. Possessing pot while riding a bicycle (1996)
8. Canoodling with Brigitte Nielsen in a hot tub (2004)
9. Evading payments of child support for his families - in public (2005)
Let me know if I forgot anything. Perhaps VH1 is performing a public service by keeping this guy off the streets, but some have wondered exactly why VH1 finds Flavor Flav so entertaining that he deserves three television shows ( Surreal Life , Strange Love , and Flavor of Love ).
Even Flavor Flav's bandmates in the critically lauded rap group that made Flav famous are mortified by Flav's public shenanigans. Chuck D was outraged to discover that not only was Flav behind on his child support but also that Flav didn't care too much about it. Chuck D told Rolling Stone : "I would be lying if I said that the side of Flav shown on 'Strange Love' doesn't affect what I've wanted our collective to stand for because it does, and many have told us how deeply they are bothered by this."
It is indeed troubling to watch a 47-year-old rapper with a rap sheet chasing after twentysomething ladies. The women involved have to be a little crazy to kiss and cuddle Flavor Flav, who really does look like he's been around the block when it comes to drugs and hard living.
Okay, the women involved have to be plenty crazy. And that's why the show is so good. It's not about Flav - it's about the woman who want to love him. The show has been filled with screamfests, accusations of transvestitism, impromptu strip shows, trips to cheesy restaurants, three-way showers, and undercooked chicken. The women on this show are willing to do anything , and the producers constantly test how far they will go.
Hoopz vs. New York: Showdown in Puerto Vallarta
The two finalists - Hoopz and New York - represent the simply crazy and the absolutely positively no-doubt-about-it insane. While the attractive Hoopz has proven she's a little kooky by smooching on Flav and mistaking Medieval Times for a high-class restaurant, New York is so obsessed with Flav that she is almost a stalker. Whenever he's with another woman, she's always around the corner, waiting to pounce once he's free. She's absolutely crazy with jealousy, and Flav is lapping it up.
Flav's two finalists absolutely despise each other, so what does VH1 do? They book Flav and the two women a trip to Puerto Vallarta. Flav walks out the door with one woman on each arm, and the two are either glaring at each other or trying to ignore each other. VH1 also sets up a little drama in which Hoopz tells Flav what she would do to anyone who spat on her: "They'd still be trying to get them up off the floor right now."
But the trip to Mexico isn't just about the date. Flavor Flav gets the chance to show off even more outrageous outfits, including a clock painted in the colors of the Mexican flag .
And when a man wears a clock like that, the ladies can't help but fight over him. Hoopz and New York discover that they must share a hotel room and their first supper with Flav. Well, perhaps sharing isn't the right term. The hotel room is full of New York and her extensive array of beauty products, while Hoopz tries to find room for herself in the mess.
New York keeps Flav waiting as she prepares for the meal. She takes a long time in front of the mirror, only to come out wearing so much make up that she must have applied it with a spatula. And then she applied her eyebrows with a Sharpie marker and plopped a vat of Vaseline on her mouth.
But New York isn't the only flamboyant dresser of the night. Flav turns up in a green, studded suit with a butterfly stitched on his back. Hoopz says it "looks fly." Then again, she loved that trip to Medieval Times.
Flav sits down between the two women, and the indigestion kicks in. He asks the women how they feel about each other. Naturally, they respond appropriately with how much they hate each other. Flav complains that the bickering has ruined his meal - but he started it!
Since these two can't stop brawling, Flav will spend a whole 24 hours with each girl. 24 hours with Flav? Be still my beating heart!
24 Hours With New York: Excessive Bodily Fluids
Warning: If you just ate, stop reading now, and get a bottle of Pepto Bismol, because this is going to get ugly.
For his date with New York, Flav will take her on a boat trip to a private beach. New York thinks she's being sexy when she says, "When I'm finished with Flav, there will be nothing left for Hoopz. I'm going to drain Flav."
Drain Flav? Has she seen Flav? All those drugs have left the man positively shrunken What's left? Spittle? And if there's anything else left, parents best get the kids out of the room!
Flav has similar ideas regarding New York. When he sees her in a bikini, he is immediately drawn to her chest and squeals, "Got milk?" You go, Prince Charming. But she loves that he gives propers to her knockers. Maybe they are made for each other.
The two frolic together on a boat and on the beach, and Flav somehow talks New York into taking a kayak out into the water. New York can barely stay in the kayak, and her weave suffers serious damage. By the time she gets back to the hotel, her hair has taken on a life of its own.
But New York is relentless. She goes to supper with the intent of "sucking Flav dry." She certainly does a good job of doing that on an emotional level, as she wails that it may be their "last supper" together. To quiet her, Flav gives her a necklace and leads her up to his bedroom, where they proceed to make out. New York takes her metaphors to the next level when she says: "We didn't need dessert. Flav was my dessert! I was his dessert! We just served each other up on a platter."
When they start "draining each other," New York paws at Flav's leopard-print jammies, and the cameramen do the audience a favor and cut away. In the morning, New York leaves Flav's hotel room wearing the exact same clothes. The daylight does her messy hair and makeup no favors, and the audience gets to enjoy New York take a full-on walk of shame. If VH1 really wanted to go all out, they could have hired some kid to poke his mommy and ask, "Mama, is that a hooker?"
24 Hours With Hoopz: Now That's Just Plain Wrong
After watching New York and Flav "suck each other dry," Hoopz' date with Flav is boring in comparison. Hoopz just looks so much younger than Flav that it doesn't look right when they flirt with each other. On their way to a nature tour, the two trade playful kisses in the car. It isn't as gross and sloppy as what Flav does with New York, but one wants to call Child Protective Services to make Flav get his hands off that girl.
Flav and Hoopz go on a "canopy tour," and Hoopz proves she's game for everything. She rides a cord across the top of the jungle, and Flav stays behind to gawk at Hoopz' rear end. Her bottom inspires him to compose a tender poem:
I looked at that behind
boy, was it fine!
and I said she's got to be mine.
I watched her from the back
and I said, don't worry - I'll pick up your slack!
America, meet your new poet laureate!
After the canopy tour, Flav's a little tired and sore because his privates got squashed in the harness. So he and Hoopz relax while splashing around on the beach. Apparently Flav is excited by the splashing, and he tells the viewers that "some real fiery stuff goes on." Mercifully, he does not elaborate.
Just as he did with New York, Flav takes Hoopz out to a restaurant. She is feeling the romance and says, "He knows how to treat a girl." His parole officer might not agree.
But Hoopz also shows off her romantic side with some cute little presents. Flav may give her a necklace, but she gives him a postcard and an ass-tray. That wasn't a typo. She gave him an ass-tray, which is an ashtray with the shape of two buns right in the middle. For a while, it looked like New York had Flav all locked up, but that ass-tray helps Hoopz gain some ground.
Flav lures Hoopz back to his boudoir, and Hoopz won't give it up as easily as New York. She declares, "We're going to hug, snuggle, and fall asleep." Hoopz performs a walk of shame as well, but she looks like she got a little more sleep than New York did.
All Dressed Up for Elimination
Flav sends the girls back to Los Angeles so they have time to shop and do their hair, and he'll have time to mull over his decision. The equivalent of Flav "mulling" is his occasional dialogue with his valet, Big Rick, and flashbacks of show highlights.
Watching the girls get dressed is far more entertaining. New York loves going shopping and having her hair done, while Hoopz struggles with having extensions put in her hair and getting fitted for an evening gown. But don't let Hoopz' struggles fool you. She's actually an Internet model who looks plenty made up on her home page and a few racy photos that are floating around on the Internet. Give the girl an award for playing up the "Girl-Next-Door" bit.
New York is absolutely preening like a peacock, and she shouldn't be because her hair looks like a dead wet seal sitting on her head. She declares, "Hoopz will be oblivious" once Flav gets an eyeful of her. Oblivious? There is nothing in this world like watching slow people try to use big words.
When the two girls show up at the house in their limos, they step out wearing exactly the same dress . That seemed as staged as all-get-out, especially since the fronts of the dresses were cut to be more flattering to each woman, but both of the women play up their parts admirably.
As New York and Hoopz wait for Flav, New York lectures Hoopz on how she's already lost and how she should have hope for the future. Then NY drops a bomb that makes the audience go "Ewww."
"Flav and I have been intimate together. And it's not sex. We're talking lovemaking."
These are two people the masses shouldn't see "make love." Hoopz immediately calls New York out for giving it up so fast, and New York tries to be classy, in her own special way: "We wasn't f*&kin! It was beautiful. We made music." Excuse the audience while they get their earplugs.
Then Flavor Flav arrives to choose right woman for him. The audience gets another look at both women, and New York absolutely dwarfs Hoopz - both horizontally and vertically. If New York leaned over, she could bite Hoopz' head off.
Flav looks at both women and asks if either of them will be mad at him if he lets them go. Of course, both say to his face that they will respect his decision. Then Flav just starts screaming: "HOOPZ! NEW YORK! HOOPZ! NEW YORK!"
Okay, we get the point.
And then Flav drops the bomb. He chooses Hoopz!
The editors gave us a surprise because, after the walk of shame and the "beautiful music together" stuff, it seemed as if New York had a lock on it. But perhaps he was building up her ego just to tear her down and force her into a second walk of shame. She has to take a long, sad limo ride home while Flavor Flav gives Hoopz her set of gold teeth - which VH1 surrounds with silly light effects.
And it's happily ever after between Hoopz and Flav. At least until the reunion show, which will air in two weeks and features even more New York Freakouts.
Dancing With the Stars 2, Episode 4
Last Thursday, it seemed as if Master P would get the boot for sure. Even though his dance was his best so far, and he boosted his energy level, his moves were out of time with his partner's, and the judges weren't willing to call his dance a jive. "Freestyle kicks" might be the better word for it.
Then judge Len Goodman got a bit full of himself and insulted Master P with the words, "It's time that you and this show parted."
The second Goodman uttered those words, he guaranteed that people would head to the phones or to the Internet to vote, and it's a safe bet that many voters chose Master P solely to tick off Len Goodman . If it is one thing that annoys American television audiences, it is a snooty British fellow.
That doesn't mean it was fair that Gisele Fernandez, who did an admirable job in all of her dances, was voted off the show, and many fans are irate at the Dancing With the Stars voting process in general. Judging from the amount of mail received at The Trades, this vote is almost as controversial as Bush versus Gore in 2000.
What follows is a description of the Electoral College, Dancing With the Stars -style. ABC explains this voting process on the show's website . The judges' scores are worth 50%, and the audience vote is worth 50%. But one phone line can have eight calls. Even though phone lines are open only 30 minutes after the show airs, one Master P fan can have a serious impact if he or she maxes out the vote. All the stars know it, as well, for all of them beg the audience members to call. No one wants to end up like Gisele Fernandez.
The next catch is the online vote, which permits only one vote per e-mail address. Of course, a person can have any number of e-mail aliases, but such a policy is inconsistent with the eight-votes-per-household phone policy.
What's clear is that the voting process is flawed. Surely ABC can think of a way to come closer to one vote per person, perhaps by reducing the number of calls allowed per household from eight to five. Of course, that won't solve all problems, given the fact that accusations of vote tampering come up every political election. But sticking to a "one person, one vote" policy - or something close to it - might make audiences feel better about the results.
On to the show. The teams have the choice between the fox trot or the paso doble. The fox trot is another dance in which the judges look for a good "rise and fall," but the footwork is difficult because, as the show website says, dancers must follow a slow-quick-quick-slow pattern. The paso doble is a high-drama dance perfectly designed for celebs like George Hamilton because the man is supposed to take on the role of a bullfighter who really loves to stomp his feet.
Drew Lachey (Inaba, 9; Goodman, 9; Tonioli, 10 - 28)
Drew Lachey has a problem when it comes to the paso doble. He is a small guy who is capable of lightning-quick moves. He's a sprite, which means he can deliver a jive, but he's not a tough guy. Cheryl Burke invites a real matador, Dennis Borba, to the studio to show Lachey some moves. Then again, do matadors just hang out in LA? Where does one find a real-life matador?
It doesn't matter if the matador is real or fake - Lachey turns out a brilliant dance. He proves that he can act. He is fierce! Lachey could be easily dismissed as reasonably competent boyband fluff, but he shows his skills tonight. He even dances on his knees. Additional kudos to Cheryl Burke because she has proven herself to be a creative choreographer. They do the paso doble to "Thriller," which seems like a bad idea at first, but Burke throws in some terrific Michael Jackson monster moves. The judges have a few quibbles, but it seems as if they complain so they can look tough.
Stacy Keibler (Inaba, 8; Goodman, 9; Tonioli, 9 - 26)
Will Stacy Keibler and Tony Dovolani really strangle each other this week? At first, it seems like they might because Kiebler is getting crabby. To avoid an incident that might end up in the National Enquirer , the producers send the two to a spa for massages and baths. At one point, the camera focuses on a bubble bath and slowly pans up - and the audience gets to see a shirtless Dovolani. He jokes, "You thought you were getting Stacey, weren't you?" Hey, plenty of Dovolani fans out there don't mind! Dovolani can go to the spa anytime!
The foxtrot is one of the most beautiful dances to watch, and Kiebler and Dovolani make it look even better. Kiebler has the quick-slow pattern down, and she makes the most of her dips and kicks, not to mention her dangerously cut lavender dress. However, Inaba thought that some of her arm movements were tired. Tonioli howls that Inaba is wrong and then slobbers all over Kiebler: "She's got the best legs I've ever seen! You put the foxy in the trot!" It's nice to see some intra-judge brawling, and if they get into a fight, the smart money is on Inaba.
Lisa Rinna (Inaba, 9; Goodman, 9; Tonioli, 8 - 26)
The producers show the audience what it is like to be Lisa Rinna for a day. And it's quite busy. She has kids. She has a store (Belle Gray). She hosts the show "Soap Talk." And she dances, slices, dices, and juliennes! It's amazing that she has time to fit Dancing With the Stars into her busy schedule, and Rinna has reason to be nervous that she doesn't have the time to learn the paso doble.
Rinna and Louis van Amstel dance to Europe's "The Final Countdown." In case you don't recognize the tune, these two are dancing to the music of a hair-metal band . This is not nearly as successful as the merge of Michael Jackson and matadors. What's next? Doing the waltz to Warrant's "Cherry Pie"? As usual, Rinna makes the most of her bod, but the poor guy in the band who is trying to hit the falsetto hair-metal notes is really distracting. Despite the music, Rinna's moves are sharp, and she shows all the power that is required of a paso doble. The judges are thrilled. Rinna is perhaps too thrilled, as she very nearly loses her top after her performance.
Tia Carrere (Inaba, 9; Goodman, 8; Tonioli, 8 - 25)
Tia Carrere and Max Chmerkovskiy fly out to New York City to meet Chmerkovskiy's students, and she feels inspired to turn out the best foxtrot she can. Chmerkovskiy proves he's an excellent teacher, and Carrere looks more graceful than ever on the floor. Her foxtrot is a classy, old-school dance that comes right out of a black-and-white movie. Carrere also acts as she dances, and she shows more range than she ever had the chance to in all her movies.
The judges notice that Carrere took a few missteps, but, like George Hamilton, she has made up for it by creating a character on the dance floor. All of them agree that she captured the spirit of the foxtrot, if not the perfect execution.
Jerry Rice (Inaba, 8; Goodman, 8; Tonioli, 8 - 24)
Jerry Rice is still burning up over the criticism he received last week: "I wanted to give Len and Bruno the finger." Trebunskaya jokes, "With your Super Bowl ring!" Even if Rice loses, he's still got that ring, and that's quite a consolation prize. However, Rice has his pride, and he's willing to let Trebunskaya enroll him in a ballet class so he can improve on last week's poor performance.
Their foxtrot starts off a little rocky. Perhaps it is the camera angle, but it seems as if Trebunskaya comes dangerously close to hitting Rice in the face. Beyond that, Rice's dancing is far better than last week's. He isn't watching Trebunskaya for guidance, and he seems far more confident. The judges agree that his foxtrot was top-notch. However, Tonioli still feels that he must out-jerk Goodman. Tonioli leaps from his chair to show Rice what his posture should look like, and Inaba and Goodman look like they want to take him out to the woodshed. So it looks like Tonioli might get the finger anyway - not from Rice, but from his fellow judges.
George Hamilton (Inaba, 7; Goodman, 7; Tonioli, 7 - 21)
This week George Hamilton says he is taking his dancing seriously. But don't be fooled. Hamilton wants to dance the paso doble while dressed as Zorro, which he played in the campy spoof Zorro, the Gay Blade . He gets incredibly meta and says he is doing a "spoof of myself doing the spoof." At the end of his practice, he waves his sword at the camera and threatens Master P.
Hamilton comes out on the floor in full Zorro attire, looking like a stodgier version of Antonio Banderas. His joints seem to be giving him trouble, and his movements aren't as fluid as they could be. Last week, Inaba told him to be "firmer" with his posture, but Hamilton takes it too far and comes off looking stiff. His cape also gets in the way. It's great for effect, but it obscures his arm movements. (Inaba says his mask is a problem, but the cape makes it hard for TV viewers to see what he's doing.) And, um, there seems to be a bulge in his pants. Just saying. George has still got it. Whatever "it" is.
Master P (Inaba, 4; Goodman, 2; Tonioli, 2 - 8)
In the introduction, Tom Bergeron asked all of the big questions for the evening, including "What is America thinking?" Naturally, the editors cut to Master P. But Master P might be lucky this week. The paso doble involves stomping. And we all know that Master P can stomp. Ashly Del Grosso is worried about how much he has practiced and his facial expressions, and she decides to warm him up a bit by taking him to meet her family in Utah. The hulking Master P makes for quite a sight in Utah, and he is one guy the Mormons won't try to convert. However, he's smiling and joking with her family: "She did the Mrs. Miyagi thing on me. Before I learned to dance, she made me wash her car."
When Master P and Del Grosso wax on and off the floor, Master P is, as predicted, stomping. He is stomping like he is going to make wine out of grapes. But, for the first time, he shows a different facial expression, and his movements are less jerky. Kudos to Del Grosso - Master P is officially dancing better than Kenny Mayne! Two of the judges aren't taking any of it. Tonioli calls it a "nightmare" and says Master P looked like a lost child. When the audience boos, he tells them to shut up. Rude, rude, rude - and he bought Master P another week with his obnoxious comments. Really, Master P could have given them a Super-Bowl-ring-free finger. He could have sat on them and crushed them. They should just say his dancing is bad and then stop . Inaba says it was his best dance so far, but she makes clear that he's not a good dancer. That's the right move - she is respectful and honest, which suggests that she respects the audience as well as Master P. And it's the audience who is really in charge of Master P's fate.
Kenny Mayne
ELIMINATED
Tatum O'Neal
ELIMINATED - but don't cry for O'Neal. Entertainment Tonight hired her to give "Tatum's Take" on every show.
Giselle Fernandez
ELIMINATED
Surreal Life 6, Season Premiere
One of the major problems with The Surreal Life , a series that debuted on the WB and shifted over to VH1, is that there is a limit to the number of celebrities (and semi-celebrities) the producers can talk into joining the show.
They've had just about everyone who has fallen out of favor with the general public. The few that they probably would have died to get, such as Mr. T, "Original Survivor" Richard Hatch, or Molly Ringwald, either still have their pride or issues with parole officers. (Then again, Flavor Flav is a VH1 staple.) Some flat out won't do it or opt for less-demeaning options, like Celebrity Fit Club . Not everyone wants to get naked and hop in the Surreal Life swimming pool, which has happened so much that it must be a contractual requirement.
This season's list of celebrities (we're using the term loosely here) isn't that impressive on the first read-through. One witty TV writer, David Bianculli, said that the combined cast had "all the star wattage of a night light." The biggest name, easily, is Florence Henderson, and she refused to sleep over in the house. As always, Mrs. Brady retains her eternal good sense.
The other cast members include Poison guitarist CC DeVille, Smashmouth frontman Steve Harwell, Sherman "George Jefferson" Hemsley, Whitesnake video babe Tawny Kitaen, Andrea Lowell (who? Oh, the obligatory centerfold), and Alexis Arquette, who is hard to describe. VH1 tactfully calls Alexis "transgender Hollywood royalty." We at The Trades don't know whether or not to say "he" or "she" because Alexis is undergoing sex-reassignment surgery. Luckily, Alexis says from the get-go that "she" is the preferred pronoun. Alexis is famous because Alexis is the sibling of Rosanna, Patricia, and David Arquette. Last but not least is a piece of mystery man-meat who will be culled from a batch of reality TV heartthrobs during the Fifteen More Minutes of Fame Reality Hunk Pageant. (Please don't let one of the contestants be Billy Jon Joe Bob from Survivor: Panama .)
This doesn't sound exciting, but it has the potential to be a great season because not a single member of this cast has anything to lose! (Accept maybe Alexis Arquette and her penis.) They're at the very bottom of the celebrity food chain, and there's nowhere to go but up (insert "Moving on up!" Jeffersons joke here, kids). A substantial chunk of them have also had brushes with the law, which means there's sure to be brawling in the Surreal house.
Speaking of the house, last season's theme was a circus tent, and the décor matched Omarosa and Janice Dickinson's three-ring-circus catfights beautifully. This time, the show has a 1950s motel theme, right down to the fonts, diamond prints and candy-colored rooms. The motel also comes complete with an annoying bellhop, played by Jimmy Pardo, whose jokes are as tired and stale as his costume. Since this is the first week for each celeb, and some of them will soon start to dominate the summaries, let's give each one the equal attention they crave.
The Buddha: Sherman Hemsley
Sherman Hemsley is the first to arrive, and the bellman starts cracking some truly awful, racist jokes, such as, "Love the fact that you've got a white driver, eh?" Later on, he tells Hemsley to carry CC DeVille's bags. Hemsley would have been within his rights to crack some racist bellhop skull, but Hemsley is the cuddliest, quietest guy. He just sits around and starts snacking. Where the food goes, no one knows, but a strange peace emanates from his Buddha-like body. He's even Zen when Playboy gal Andrea Lowell puts her chest on top of his head. Either he will be the conscience of the house, or he's going to lose his mind. Regarding Sherman, major boos to VH1. When they interview Sherman, they give him subtitles for no good reason . It's not like he's speaking Spanish, and it's not like he's too quiet. (For the record, I'm as deaf as a post, and he was as clear as crystal sans subtitles.) They let Flavor Flav speak jive, and I can understand him, so I don't get it. VH1, lose Sherman's subtitles. Now.
Why Tawny Kant Read: Tawny Kitaen
Julie is her real name - no, it is not Tawny. No parent is that crazy to name a child "Tawny." VH1 immediately paints her as a wild woman because she wound up in the cooler after beating up on her husband, baseball player Chuck Finley. The Smoking Gun has her mug shot , and, in the interest of fairness, excerpts of her countercomplaint against Finley . These days, she looks mostly harmless, more like one of those Harley chicks who usually ride on the back of their husband's bikes when they take pilgrimages through Milwaukee.
Tawny plays the role of ex-model to the hilt. VH1 strings together a hilarious scene in which she tries to calculate the number of beds in the house and struggles deeply before coming up with six. Sherman, whose reaction shots are worth their weight in gold, sits back and watches the rusty gears turning inside her head. She's even slower when she tries to read the Surreal Life daily paper. For a video babe, she's also super-uptight. She immediately latches on to Florence Henderson and talks way too much about how she would never, ever do Playboy , like Andrea Lowell has. She also refuses to do the dishes. She sits there and says that she did them a lot when she was a kid, and she's not gonna do them now. Try that excuse your roommates sometime, and see what they do to you.
The Science of Substitution: CC DeVille
CC DeVille shows up looking like a tooth-whitening victim. The man also has the world's most annoying voice. Cats leave the room whenever he opens his mouth. But he's looking better these days. Steve Harwell of Smashmouth notes, "I couldn't believe how good he looked. When I saw him last, he looked like pavement." (Somewhere, Bob Nastanovich takes great offense - props to anyone who gets that joke.) But CC DeVille does look better . largely because he left rehab THE PREVIOUS MORNING. That is the definition of fortitude - roll out of bed in the morning and immediately start shooting your next television show.
Since CC can't booze anymore, he occupies himself in creative ways. On the plus side, he runs five miles a day, and he is the first housemate to use the treadmill. He is also down with Alexis Arquette. He is courteous to her and tries to find out if Alexis prefers "he" or "she." On the minus side, he sits around fantasizing about the girls of the house making out.
The Enforcer: Steve Harwell
Mr. Smashmouth Steve Harwell bears a strong resemblance to the bouncer who is a little too eager to kick people out of the bar. He is always looking for trouble, and then he wants to squelch it, just like the neat freak he is. Yes, he's a neat freak. He is often seen mopping the floors, and he tussles with Tawny because she doesn't want to do the dishes. One would think he'd clash with his roommate, CC, but, since both of them have been in rehab, they get along like gangbusters. They even giggle together before going to bed, those clean-cut crazy kids!
Resident Centerfold: Andrea Lowell
Andrea Lowell is an all-natural hostess for Playboy TV, and she's had her share of centerfolds. She says she was pre-med at the University of California, Irvine (full disclosure: I used to teach there, and I never saw her, although she may have been taught by friends of mine). And she is ready to par-tay with anyone in the house. However, she's with two guys who are fresh out of rehab . and Alexis Arquette. Alexis offers Andrea one last chance at his penis before he - ahem - reassigns it, but she declines. Needless to say, she is thrilled at the chance to choose a little extra man-meat during the Reality Hunk Pageant.
More Than a Woman: Alexis Arquette
Alexis Arquette is not a drag queen, although she could hold her own in San Francisco's Castro. Alexis is "transgender." What's the diff? Well, Alexis is a woman who happens to have an inconvenient penis. Alexis will officially be "reassigned" on another reality show, which is already taping for A&E . Alexis is so serious about being a woman that she wears her falsies everywhere, even in the hot tub. (It's not clear if they float.) She gets an "A" for effort. Among her many skills is her ability to catch a flying banana with her mouth.
Since she's about to change her physical gender, Alexis is downright obsessed with sex. She even pins sexual desire on the seemingly chaste Florence Henderson. Alexis says, "She's not Carol Brady. She's a woman with needs." Soon, she's going to be talking about Sherman Hemsley and his cravings. By the end, everyone has no trouble thinking of Alexis as pure woman. At one point, Andrea even asks her for advice about Florence's nudity-bashing, saying, "I need to talk to you, like girl talk."
Den Mother: Florence Henderson
A Brady always makes for good reality television, so the show is okay with the fact that Florence Henderson only stops by during the day and doesn't have to sleep there. She probably heard about CC DeVille from her agent and proceeded to negotiate. At first, the cast doesn't know it's Florence, and they think they'll get an honest-to-goodness therapist. If they can't get a therapist, Florence is the next best thing. She makes everyone cook together, and she spouts out mom-isms, such as telling CC not to talk about sex addiction issues at suppertime.
Florence also gives Andrea some trouble for taking off her clothes, which young Andrea doesn't like in the slightest. Florence asks, "Now, Andrea, why are you taking your clothes off in front of people?" Did they film that scene before Adrianne Curry, Peter Brady's finacee, took it all off for Playboy ? What did she think of that? Why is the next season of My Fair Brady taking so long?
Maven, Mystery Man-Meat
During the Reality Hunk Pageant, the housemates aren't given much of a choice. They can pick from four reality-show studs, and they don't even get Evan Marriott from Joe Millionaire . Apparently, Evan Marriott has standards. The "reality hunks" include Scott Long, Big Brother ; Ace Amerson, Real World Paris ; John Paylok, Survivor Vanatu ; Maven Huffman, Tough Enough ; and Corey Clark, American Idol . Yes, that Corey Clark, or, as Steve Harwell puts it, "I see these knuckleheads . the kid who was banging Paula Abdul." Clark is definitely a knucklehead. He was charged with beating up his sister , and not in a fun-and-games sort of way, and an investigation basically said Clark was a liar. The cast doesn't keep Clark in the pageant very long, just long enough to arouse disgust. The rest of the "knuckleheads" aren't much, either. Paylok wears a wig, and Long pulls his pants down during a sexy dance to reveal . SKIDMARKS.
The housemates had to choose between Skid-Mark Guy, Wig Guy, Geeky Guy, Corey Clark, and Maven Huffman, wrestler from WWE's Tough Enough . Poor Sherman looks disgusted the entire time. Florence also says that only the women can vote in the final round, so the producers pave the way to victory for Maven. Both Andrea and Alexis want to get their hands on Maven's muscles, so he's absolutely perfect. Oh, and he likes to drink, which sets up a battle between the Rehab Club and the Party Animals.
In the Next Few Weeks: Alexis Arquette teaches creepy dudes not to mess with the transgendered, and Tawny Kitaen talks trash about Mrs. Brady.